Gender Disappointment

Gender disappointment is a real thing, and with valid emotions, but we don't hear about it much though, as i think, many don't want to admit it to it or talk about it. it is so little talked about, many have not even heard of this( i mentioned it to my own partner and they have never heard of it either till i had said something)

A. What is it

There is a good chance you have seen posts on Instagram or Facebook in which you see blue or pink confetti raining down on happy couples( or other gender reveals) as their friends and family cheer on the upcoming birth of their little boy or little girl.

The ability to know and celebrate the gender of your little one before the birth, due to early testing and gender reveal parties has offered many partners alot of excitement and happiness. At the same time these activities have to led many, to feel emotions of sadness, disappointment and yes even depression, when the results are not what they had dreamed of.

Social media platforms frequently make it appear that all parents to be are thrilled with the gender of their expected little one, but the truth is, that it's not always tears of joy as your seeing the blue or pink streamers floating down to the ground.

Above all it is more than OK to feel disappointed with your little one's gender, and what can you do if you or a friend feels this way or worried you might in the future, then keep reading and i hope to help you( if even a little) with this.

B. Discuss unmet expectations

So what do you do when you think your feeling disappointed with your little one's gender? above all it is important to address your feelings, even if it may feel like it is something you may have to keep a secret, there are options to talking about it, first, find a safe person to talk to, like your partner, because you never know, they may be feeling the same way as you, alternatively it might just be easiest to talk to someone who may be unrelated( doctor, nurse, doula) and get an unbiased and emotionally detached sounding board, they can even help guide you in the right direction for help if you need it, there are also support groups so you can talk with other parents who feel, or have felt, the exact same emotions you are, this can help you realize you are not alone in how your feeling( even if you feel like you are).

There is at least one study that has linked gender disappointment to depression, so it is important to make sure that your disappointment doesn't impede onto your life and if you need to, seek medical help.

C. Validate that being upset is normal

Remember that being upset is normal and it is OK, expectations don't always match reality and the biological gender doesn't always align with certain interests or life experiences, your little girl may like anything and every thing your little boy would have, or your little boy may hate all sports and prefer to dress up and play with dolls, just remember this, every child, just as every person is unique and once you meet your little one you may quickly forget that your ever dreamed of a family that looked any differently, for many the birth of your little one will help alleviate any feelings of disappointment( this might happen right away when you meet your little one or gradually over time as you get to know them.

if you find your feelings are preventing you from bonding with your little one, it can be useful to then speak to a therapist or counselor as they can help you process your feelings and realize that this does happen and it is OK

D. Discuss that a grieving period may be part of the process that leads to

acceptance

When the gender of your little one is opposite to that of the "wished-for" child, and the family composition differs from the imagined one, there is a loss of a strongly held ideal. An ideal that may sit alongside one's self-identity (including one’s cultural identity) and one’s amalgamated past. When this is the case, the depth of grief may be intense.

Sadly this grief tends to be disenfranchised. So most women believe that others don’t understand their distress (and indeed, many do not), so they grieve alone or minimize their feelings to reduce cognitive dissonance.

Women can often feel ashamed and guilty for their feelings of disappointment. They can judge their feelings as being unjustified because they haven’t "really" lost a little one. And when they have miscarried or have experienced fertility difficulties, the guilt and shame can be even worse.

Beneath their shame there may be questions like:

• “Shouldn’t I just be happy to be pregnant?”

• “If I feel sad that I’m not having the gender I wanted, does this mean I won’t love my baby?”

• “If I express my feelings to other people, will they think I’m a horrible mother?”

• “If I express my feelings to others, will they be offended thinking that I’m judging the sex of their child?”

• “Do these feelings make me an awful person?”

The grief from gender disappointment needs time for reflective processing to acknowledge and work through the feelings and layers of loss. this doesn't happen over night and in deed can take weeks or for some months